Lemonade

Hi there. Yeah, I know it's been three months since my last post. A week after my last post, my world did a complete 180 and I found myself without a job. At first, I was numb. I packed up what I could grab quickly in my office and said goodbye to as many of my friends as I could. There were tears, there were hugs and kisses on the cheek, there were exclamations of "oh my God, WHY?" and promises to keep in touch. The HR guy helped me carry my boxes down to my car and told me, "don't worry, there are plenty of jobs out there for you". Is this guy for real? Does he NOT watch the news or read the papers? I burst into tears as I turned onto the toll road and said goodbye to the place where I have dedicated my life for the past six years. It stung.

I was home by 1:00 p.m. and the kids ran to me as I entered the house. More hugs. More kisses on the cheek. This time, with the sheer joy of having Mom home early from work. Then I dropped the ball. Beanie looked at me with tears growing in her eyes and said, "Mom, what now?". What now. Hm.

I clapped my hands and said, "Let's go". We got into the car and drove to Aldi, where we stocked up on all the things kids (and recently unemployed Moms) need to weather the storm...brownie mix, M&Ms, marachino cherries, chocolate syrup, mini marshmallows and peanut butter. We were going to turn this crappy day into something fun. Turn lemons into lemonade.

We got home and I told the kids we were going to make special "chase away the blues" brownies. They mixed the batter themselves and added their own personal touches. Beanie's looked like a work of art...flowers constructed of M&Ms with marshmallow leaves and marachino cherries for the centers. Budgie's looked like Wonka's factory exploded in the pan.

The brownies came out perfect and absolutely delicious. We ate them while they were still gooey and warm, with icy glasses of lemonade to chase them down. We made the best of a day that was heartbreaking for me, and scary for them. The kids were so very happy at the thought of having Mom home with them, that I caught a bit of their enthusiasm. I was happy to be with them. Even if it's just for a little while, until I find another job, I'm Mom. And that feels good.

Three months later, I'm in the middle of looking for a new job, going on interviews, and looking eyes wide open at the future. I realize that this will be a tough road ahead of me, but I have some wonderful friends who have been a tremendous help to me through networking and giving me heads-up on open positions in the area. I've met a wonderful group of new friends who have helped to guide me through the heartbreak and the anger I've felt over losing my job, and have provided me with the support and love that only truly caring people can give.

I got to spend a large part of the summer with my kids, swimming, camping, laughing and, most of all, being together. I painted my kitchen, I cleaned (and I mean CLEANED) my house, I cooked real dinners, I picked up a book and read it cover-to-cover. I felt the anger, the sadness, the hurt melt away only to be replaced by optimism, by happiness, and by love. I have the opportunity to do something completely new, for people who truly appreciate what I can do. And I'm going to embrace it fully.

I miss my Cal friends immensely. Tim, Scott, Joy, Norm, The Gregs, Walt, Tom, Gena, Doris, Mr. Kline, Christine, John, and everyone else. You are amazing, wonderful, EXTREMELY talented people who deserve nothing but the best. I love you all. And miss you terribly. But I know that I will keep in touch and we will see each other again soon.

So here I sit, drinking a glass of icy-cold lemonade and I smile. Yes, I may have lost my job. But I found something more important. I found my courage. I found my drive again. I found me. 

Lemonade

Hi there. Yeah, I know it's been three months since my last post. A week after my last post, my world did a complete 180 and I found myself without a job. At first, I was numb. I packed up what I could grab quickly in my office and said goodbye to as many of my friends as I could. There were tears, there were hugs and kisses on the cheek, there were exclamations of "oh my God, WHY?" and promises to keep in touch. The HR guy helped me carry my boxes down to my car and told me, "don't worry, there are plenty of jobs out there for you". Is this guy for real? Does he NOT watch the news or read the papers? I burst into tears as I turned onto the toll road and said goodbye to the place where I have dedicated my life for the past six years. It stung.

I was home by 1:00 p.m. and the kids ran to me as I entered the house. More hugs. More kisses on the cheek. This time, with the sheer joy of having Mom home early from work. Then I dropped the ball. Beanie looked at me with tears growing in her eyes and said, "Mom, what now?"   What now. Hm.

I clapped my hands and said, "Let's go". We got into the car and drove to Aldi, where we stocked up on all the things kids (and recently unemployed Moms) need to weather the storm...brownie mix, M&Ms, marachino cherries, chocolate syrup, mini marshmallows and peanut butter. We were going to turn this crappy day into something fun. Turn lemons into lemonade.

We got home and I told the kids we were going to make special "chase away the blues" brownies. They mixed the batter themselves and added their own personal touches. Beanie's looked like a work of art...flowers constructed of M&Ms with marshmallow leaves and marachino cherries for the centers. Budgie's looked like Wonka's factory exploded in the pan. mmmmm.

The brownies came out perfect and absolutely delicious. We ate them while they were still gooey and warm, with icy glasses of lemonade to chase them down. We made the best of a day that was heartbreaking for me, and scary for them. The kids were so very happy at the thought of having Mom home with them, that I caught a bit of their enthusiasm. I was happy to be with them. Even if it's just for a little while, until I find another job, I'm Mom. And that feels good.

Three months later, I'm in the middle of looking for a new job, going on interviews, and looking eyes wide open at the future. I realize that this will be a tough road ahead of me, but I have some wonderful friends who have been a tremendous help to me through networking and giving me heads-up on open positions in the area. I've met a wonderful group of new friends who have helped to guide me through the heartbreak and the anger I've felt over losing my job, and have provided me with the support and love that only truly caring people can give.

I got to spend a large part of the summer with my kids, swimming, camping, laughing and, most of all, being together. I painted my kitchen, I cleaned (and I mean CLEANED) my house, I cooked real dinners, I picked up a book and read it cover-to-cover. I felt the anger, the sadness, the hurt melt away only to be replaced by optimism, by happiness, and by love. I have the opportunity to do something completely new, for people who truly appreciate what I can do. And I'm going to embrace it fully.

I miss my Cal friends immensely. Tim, Scott, Joy, Norm, The Gregs, Walt, Tom, Gena, Doris, Mr. Kline, Christine, John, and everyone else. You are amazing, wonderful, EXTREMELY talented people who deserve nothing but the best. I love you all. And miss you terribly. But I know that I will keep in touch and we will see each other again soon.

So here I sit, drinking a glass of icy-cold lemonade and I smile. Yes, I may have lost my job. But I found something more important. I found my courage. I found my drive again. I found me. 

Well, hello there!

I know, it's been a while. Life has been so crazy, it's been tough to keep my head above water, let alone write on my blog.

Soooo...what's new?

I finished my summer classes, still carrying a 4.0. I'm psyched. My goal is to graduate with a 4.0 and my Master's degree. In the immortal (?) words of Big Time Rush, "I'm half-way there!"

(giggle, snort)

Christine and I are heading out to Philly on the 29th for the Ukrainian Orthodox League convention. I truly am excited. We had so much fun last year, seeing old friends and polka-ing the night away (see my blog entry from last July). This year is a special reunion for all Jr. UOLers from years gone by. I'm excited to see folks I haven't seen in decades (gah, why did I put it that way?) and renew old friendships. It's going to be fun to see who is going to be there and what they have been up to these past 20 years.

Beanie is at theater camp, and they are performing 101 Dalmatians. She's a boxer. First time she's won a part that has lines! She is so excited! I'm just glad that she is having a good time and isn't spending these two weeks parked in front of the computer screen. Or the TV.

Well, that's it folks. With a life as packed as mine is, there isn't much time for momentous ramblings. But I'm sure I'll think of something. LOL!

Happy Summer!

The Baby Doll

Like every parent, I am completely proud of my kids and I think they are the most awesome kids in the world. And yes, like all parents, I'm a bit biased. :-D

Beanie is what I call my little advocate of all that is right and just. She stands up for the underdog and will tell someone when they are wrong. She is also extremely empathetic. She just...feels.

In kindergarten and first grade, she had a friend, Joseph. Joseph was born prematurely and had some pretty serious birth-related injuries that left him reliant on crutches. Actually, Joseph was lucky to be alive. Despite his physical limitations, Joseph is a sweet boy, very loving and funny and a friend that is truer than any I have ever seen. The only problem is that he hadn't had the chance to prove it to his classmates, as nobody wanted to play with Joseph. He spent a lot of his time alone on the playground, with nobody to talk to. Within the first month of her kindergarten year, Beanie had befriended Joseph and found ways to include him in play. They became fast friends, spending nearly every day playing together in the playground. She pushed him on the swings, helped him onto the merry-go-round, even finding ways to have him participate in games the other children were playing, like tag or hide and go seek.

But I digress.

Yesterday was their school's flea market. The kids were given first crack at the toys. Beanie bought items for all of us and was ready to leave the sale when she saw it. "IT" being a doll. This doll was dirty. It wore no pants. It had old rubber bands and sticker bits in its hair. It wasn't a caucasian doll. It was everything that the other kids hadn't wanted. Beanie picked it up and said, "I want to buy this." The ladies behind the table couldn't believe it, asking her if she was absolutely sure she wanted the doll. She said yes.

Her friends teased her. Why would she want such a messed-up doll? It was dirty. It wasn't the right color. It wasn't even completely dressed!

Beanie didn't offer them any excuses. She held that doll securely all the way home and cleaned it up. She washed its shirt and found a pair of pants in her toybox that fit it. She patiently pulled out the broken rubber bands and sticker bits from its hair, then lovingly styled it.

What she found when she was done was a beautiful little baby doll. It just needed some attention, is all.

When I asked her why she chose this doll, she said something that brought a tear to my eye. She said, "I felt bad for her. She was sitting on that table all alone, nobody wanted her. I knew they were going to throw it away when we left. I didn't want that to happen. She just needed someone to take her home and clean her up and love her."

What Beanie has shown me is something that I, sadly, have lost. The ability to see past the surface and straight to the heart. She has shown me time and time again how important it is to look past someone's abilities, or their appearance, and see what they really are inside. Like Joseph. Like her new doll.

I'm proud of Beanie. And that's not just a biased Mom talking.

Another year, another something or other...

Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been a month and a half since I last posted. I have to admit, life has been crazy this past month. Between Beanie's shows, finishing papers for school, spending time with out-of-town family, Christmas (both of them), it's been hard to find five minutes to myself to breathe. But now school is back in for Beanie, mine is going to start again on Tuesday, she's back in theater classes and dance, and things are winding down and settling.

Sigh.....

So, in the interest of new year's resolutions and the like, below is my list of things I will do for MYSELF for a change in 2011.

I promise to:

1. Spend more time reading. I will make a date with myself to do so once a week. And not Spongebob Squarepants books, either. They will be read on the sofa with a cup of tea. And a blanket. If I have to put ear buds in my head and listen to classical music while I'm doing it to block out the din of screaming kids, I will do so. I need the mental break.

2. Get rid of my old, raggedy clothes (work, play, etc.) and beef up my wardrobe with nicer things. Thanks to Tim and Kim, I've got a good start! :-) Buying one pair of $60 work pants per month will NOT break me. And if there is a sale at J. Jill, all the better!!!!!

3. I will start saving again. Not having a nest egg to fall back on is hard for me. I don't like to be helpless if something happens to the house/car/whatever.

4. I will upgrade my phone as soon as Cricket gets the iPhone (apparently, it's coming...)

5. I will finally stick to a diet and lose some weight. Although some of my WONDERFUL friends have said that I'm fine the way I am, I'm not fine with me. Blood pressure slowly rising, family history of diabetes, tired all the time...yeah, it's time.

6. I will spend more time with my brother and his family. We only see each other about 4X per year...it needs to be more. They live only 2 hours away from me, and I can make the trip. It just needs to happen...

7. Because my OCD won't let me have 6 as my last point (needs to be 7, LOL!!!) I will pick one last one... hmmm... OKAY I got it... I will wash my car on a regular basis and not wait for the rain to wash it for me...

Okay, folks. There ya have it. My list of things I'm going to do for myself this year. I'll check back with you in, oh, 11 months to see how I'm doing.

My fingers are crossed that I can actually DO all these things. But you never know...

The "Crazy Cat Lady Story"

By popular demand, I've decided to post "The Tabby on the Corner", a short story I wrote this summer as part of my admission portfolio for grad school. My friend, Stephanie Skinner-Hinton, nicknamed this "the Crazy Cat Lady Story" and it kind of stuck.

This is a true story, something that happened last spring near work in California, PA.

No cats were harmed in the writing of this story.

Enjoy, and feedback is encouraged.

The Tabby on the Corner

I work in higher education, for a university that is finally coming into its own. A beautiful place, really. Centuries-old red brick buildings mark the time while new construction rises to greet the growing freshman classes. It’s peaceful there, with closely manicured lawns, blooming trees and the occasional gray squirrel scurrying around to keep things interesting.

Our administration continually reminds us to practice “town and gown” relations. Basically, how we need to reach out to our neighbors in town to show them that we aren’t so bad, really. So whenever I have the opportunity, I go out of my way to be nice to the residents and show them that we are actually kind of nice. REALLY. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. But you can’t fault me for giving it the “old college try”.

My long morning commute to work is fairly uneventful. A travel mug of coffee and the drone of morning talk radio keep me from spending too much time with my deeper thoughts. My drive is also a time when I mentally run down my list of I-need-this-tomorrow-sorry-I-didn’t-get-this-to-you-sooner items that landed on my desk at 3:30 the day before.

My usual route in the mornings includes a self-imposed detour down side streets in order to avoid the town’s lone traffic light. I have taken this route every morning for the past four years with nothing exceptional to report. Except for one morning. This particular morning was the first day of school for the local children and there was lots of activity. I made my left turn at the bank and traveled on to the corner.

I stopped at the sign and watched as a small black and gray tabby cat sauntered into the intersection. She paused to look at me, sat on the pavement and proceeded to groom herself.

It was 8:05 a.m.. I was officially late for work and still had to find a place to park. I looked around to see if the cat’s owner was around. She was. A small girl my daughter’s age was waiting on the corner for the school bus with her grandmother. They watched with curiosity to see what I would do. Knowing that I would never harm the cat, I rolled down the window.

“PSSSSST!” I said at the cat, which looked up from her grooming with curiosity.

“Oh come on, Kitty, I’m late for work” I said. Kitty didn’t budge. Instead, she began grooming her tail. Sensing the cat wasn’t going to move out of the way, the little girl walked cautiously into the street and scooped it up. She returned to her corner and waved her thanks that I didn’t harm her pet.

The next day I followed my same route with the same mug of coffee and the same talk radio show. I reached the corner and voila, there was Kitty. As I reached the stop sign at the corner, the cat padded out into the middle of the road and sat on the pavement. Just sat. Tail curled around her legs and looking at me as if she expected something.

8:04 a.m.

“Great,” I thought. “Here we go again.”

I smiled amusedly at the grandmother and granddaughter and rolled down the window.

“Stubborn kitty you have there,” I said.

The old woman looked at me with curiosity. “Yeah,” she said. “She follows my granddaughter to the bus stop every morning. Most of the time she stays on the sidewalk until the bus comes. But for some reason she likes to stop your car. She doesn’t do that to anybody else, and a lot of people come this way to The College.”

I looked at the grandmother and thought how remarkably she looked like my very own grandmother. The same small frame, the same silver-black hair and careworn face I remember. My grandmother passed away four months before, so the sudden flash of memory was welcome and soothing. I smiled at her and laughed. The little girl walked into the intersection and retrieved Kitty. I waved and wished them both a good morning and drove off grinning.

Each weekday morning, the scene repeated itself.

Coffee.

Drive.

Radio.

Corner.

Cat.

It was a routine I came to look forward to as I made my way to work.

Soon the temperature began to drop and the first snow fell. On particularly cold and snowy days the little girl’s parents would escort her to the stop instead of her grandmother. They didn’t know about their cat’s strange attraction to my car, so those mornings the mom held the tabby safely in her arms while they waited for the bus. I would fingertip-wave at the girl and she would always smile and fingertip-wave back.

The Christmas holidays approached before anyone really took notice. In preparation for my two-week-long break I came in a bit earlier and left for home a bit later. I missed seeing the grandmother and her granddaughter and thought about them often. I looked for Kitty every morning but she was never there… always heading home as soon as her girl boarded the bus.

December moved into January and school began again for the local children. I made my usual turn at the bank and saw the familiar form of the gray and black tabby scoot quickly into the intersection. I pulled up to the stop sign and Kitty pricked her tail up in an inquisitive question mark. I looked over and saw granddaughter and grandmother there, braced against the cold wind. I wound down my window and made a brief greeting. The grandmother commented on the cold weather and hoped I had enjoyed my Christmas holidays. I wished them both a happy new year as Kitty spotted a stray blowing leaf and took off in chase. I moved through the intersection and off to begin my day at work.

But then, something happened that made everything different. On this particular Wednesday morning I pulled into the intersection to see that Kitty wasn’t there. I looked to my left and saw the little girl holding her. The grandmother waved for me to stop. I did, and wound down my window.

Grandmother walked slowly towards my car, wary of the snow and ice.

“Good morning”, she said in a voice that was cautious, but welcoming.

“Good morning!” I replied.

“I have a gift for you, “ she said. “I hope you like it.”

From her coat pocket Grandmother’s gloved hand retrieved a single item. It was a miniature Pittsburgh Steelers knitted cap with a safety pin on the back. I had a pin very much like this one when I was a child but had lost it somewhere along the years.

“This is for September. Please put it away until then,” she said.

How sweet that Grandmother had taken note of the Steelers logo on the back window of my car.

“Wow!” I said, looking into her hazel eyes. “That’s wonderful! I will definitely wear this! Thank you!”

Grandmother smiled.

“I have something else for you,” she said. “I hope you like angels.”

Out of her other pocket she pulled a small plastic sandwich bag. Inside was the most beautiful crocheted angel pin I’d ever seen. The stitches were so small it gave the appearance that the angel was a solid piece of lacy fabric instead of a long white strand of carefully knotted yarn.

I looked at her with wide eyes as Grandmother continued.

“I have macular degeneration. Had to give up my knitting and crocheting ‘cause I can’t see too well anymore close-up. This is the last of my work. I want you to have it. Something told me that this angel was for you.”

My own grandmother loved angels. She never left the house without an angel pin tacked to her shoulder. The many shelves in her small apartment were lined with angels of all kinds, from wooden to crystal. This gift was more than just a token of thanks for ensuring Kitty’s well being. It was a gift of memories and a reminder that no matter what crossroads you come to in life, there is always something pleasantly unexpected waiting for you at the corner.

I grasped the thin plastic of the bag with my fingers and marveled at the angel’s beauty. There was a small slip of paper inside. A message was written on the paper in an old-fashioned hand. It read:

Hand crocheted angel pin by Marge Hartley.

“You made this?” I whispered.

“I did,” Mrs. Hartley said.

“It’s beautiful,” I said. “My gosh, thank you so much!”

Mrs. Hartley smiled and backed away from my car. She joined her granddaughter and they both smiled and waved. I drove on to work with a tear in my eye.

So on this ordinary morning, standing here on the corner in the snow, was an unexpected messenger. That little angel pin meant more to me than Mrs. Hartley would ever know. It was the embodiment of all the memories of my grandmother. At a time in my life when I was truly at a crossroads, this small handmade token reminded me that no matter what, I was never truly alone. There was always someone to be there for me and to watch out for me. Like my grandmother who I believe still watches over me, so alike the angels she admired in life. Like the people whose smiles and waves I’ve come to depend on to brighten my mornings. Like the tabby on the corner.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

I have made an early New Year's resolution. This year will be the best Christmas ever.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I LIVE for Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the presents, the joy of having family and friends around that I don't see that often and the yumminess of delicious food and drinks, all make me so happy. I LOVE Christmas. I do everything for our family's Christmas...cleaning, shopping, cooking, baking cookies with the kids, decorating, photo appointments, etc. And I absolutely ADORE doing it.

That being said, there are certain people in my life who don't.

Sigh.

Those people ALWAYS bring me down. Like a crystal Christmas tree, my spirit is smashed SO quickly and I struggle for most of the season to get it back. Most of the time I don't manage to get it back and fake my way through Christmas for the kids' sake. "Why are you making so many damn cookies? We will never eat all those" (as they walk away with five cookies in their hands). "I hate this F*$king time of the year". "People are A$$holes for doing all this...and for WHAT?" Yeah, it's a joy to try and keep the spirit when people around you are always bringing it down.

This year will be different.

This year, I will be joyful.
This year, I will be happy.
This year, I will keep the spirit throughout the season and really ENJOY it with my kids.
This year, I will do something for someone that I don't know. Just because.
This year, I will be a friend to someone who needs it.
This year, I will remember why it is that we celebrate this holiday.

And if the people around me don't like it, then I'll tie them to a chair and force-feed them eggnog and cookies until they get over themselves. And maybe, just maybe, Scrooge McDuck will actually enjoy themselves for a change. I refuse to let them get to me this year.

Because it's for the kids. And for me.